Sometimes my life can seem a little overwhelming. Sometimes my 17 month old acts as if he's possessed by demons. Sometimes my newborn just doesn't want to go to sleep. Sometimes I feel exhausted getting up during the night. There are days when I just don't feel I have enough energy to make it through the day. There are times when I'm just flat pissed at my husband. There are times I reminisce about the single days when I could go do WHATEVER I wanted without having to drag two monkeys along AND their diapers. There are times I want to cry because I feel like a failure as a mother. There are times I want to cry because I feel like the worst wife in history.
These times I feel like this, I usually drag myself to go make dinner, pick-up my toddler, check on my newborn, or start to clean up. And then There's that one moment.
That moment I look up to see my husband wrestling around with Calvin and I watch Calvin squeal from his dad's tickling. That moment I walk in a room and see Calvin smile so big up at me. That moment I see my husband gently kiss our newborn's cheek. That moment I catch Calvin trying to get our newborn out of his bassinet and realize he just wants to "kiss" him. That moment when my husband comes home and gives me a big hug after a hard day. That moment Calvin comes and sits in my lap and puts his head on my chest to rest. That moment I rock the newborn to sleep at 3 a.m. and he smiles so big in his sleep. That moment I see my husband trying to teach the toddler to gently love on the newborn. That moment I hear my husband playing with our son during bath time.
And it's then I realize that these are "precious moments" in time that quickly pass. I realize I need to treasure all these moments, good and bad. I realize that I have kids who love me and depend on me and a sweet husband who goes to the moon and back just to please me. I realize I am "living the dream" and have the best family imaginable. I realize that we're mortals and everyone will die but I will have an eternal family to look forward to. And then I realize...I have it all, what more could I ask for?
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
August 10th - The Best and Worst Day of my Life
August 10th 2013 was the worst day of my life (as far as I can remember). There is no doubt about it, it was a disaster. And why would I say the day my son was born, was the worst day of my life? Well it all started off like this:
Caden was due August 16th. I went to the doctor for my final OB visit on August 7th. My doctor had agreed to induce labor on August 13th so that's why it was my final visit. I just felt like Caden would be late making his appearance. At this appointment on the 7th, my doctor "checked me" and told me she believed the baby was coming that weekend. She said the baby was really low, I was already dilated a couple centimeters, and 80% effaced. I smiled and just nodded, nobody knows when a baby is going to come. It's like trying to predict the second coming - nobody really knows. So I really didn't take my doctor seriously.
Thursday and Friday I experience some mild cramping. I'm going to try to wrap this story up as quick as possible without sharing every detail that I really want to put in here :) I called the doctor Friday and asked if she thought I might be in labor. Of course not. Friday night I had trouble sleeping due to mild/moderate cramping. I got up Saturday morning and the cramping was sporadic but felt a little more intense. Finally around noon Trent watched me tense up as I experienced an intense cramp. He commented that we needed to go on to the hospital (It was over an hour away). He went to get in the shower as I suddenly experienced the most painful contraction yet. This was the first cramp I felt that brought tears to my eyes. I walked straight to the shower and told Trent " We need to go NOW". I knew I had plenty of time to get to the hospital but I wanted to get there early to get my epidural and make sure we dropped my son off with my sister-in-law. I called the mid-wife and told her we were on the way to the hospital and my contractions were 10 minutes apart. She then proceeded to laugh and tell me to turn around and go home that I needed to wait until the contractions were 5 minutes apart. She said even though we were over an hour away, it would be quite some time before the contractions were 5 minutes apart. My gut told me to go to the hospital. I just told her I was coming no matter what she said. Here's where things got REAL.
I went from getting in the car breathing hard with Trent doing the speed limit to screaming my head off, 0 minutes between contractions and Trent driving over 100 miles an hour to the hospital. I couldn't stop screaming, the pain was incredible and unbearable. I felt like I was going to lose consciousness (no joke). This all happen within 30 minutes. I felt the baby's head come down and my heart sank - I knew Trent was about to deliver the baby. I finally screamed to Trent that it was too late, we just weren't going to make it. This must have really scared Trent because it took us 30 minutes to drive an hour drive. With wheels screeching we made it to Northside hospital's women's center front door.
I really don't remember too much, I was literally overcome with pain. Apparently the security guards saw us tear into the parking lot to the front doors and could hear and see me screaming my head off. Some nurses on break ran to help, and all I remember is being wheeled back screaming my head off. We went straight into the room where they began to take my clothes off and I held the bed rail for dear life. The mid-wife (who told me to turn around and go home) said it was time to push and way too late for an epidural. Now - I had listened to this mid-wife and gone home....Trent would have delivered the baby at our home.
I honestly don't have much memory of all this but one thing I do recall is telling them I wouldn't push until I got an epidural. And you know what? I got an epidural 10 cm dilated and totally effaced with baby's head ready to come out. How? I demanded it. After my epidural I pushed 3 times and baby Caden was here.
I went from wanting 3-4 children to telling Trent we were done. It really was that bad. Now with this being said - words never can describe how you feel when you see your children after they're born. I was so in love with Caden and thought he was a little angel.
But the pain was like nothing I've ever experienced. It was incredible and UNBEARABLE. Just look at me. I literally went through my entire labor with no pain meds. And women actually choose to do this!!
I don't think I can handle going through this again. My mother told me she never experienced contractions that bad but when I say I thought I was about to lose consciousness, I mean it! I was absolutely humiliated that I was pushed back past all kinds of people in the lobby screaming uncontrollably. It's going to take a long time for me to forget about this day.
But here are a few pics of my little angel :)
Caden was due August 16th. I went to the doctor for my final OB visit on August 7th. My doctor had agreed to induce labor on August 13th so that's why it was my final visit. I just felt like Caden would be late making his appearance. At this appointment on the 7th, my doctor "checked me" and told me she believed the baby was coming that weekend. She said the baby was really low, I was already dilated a couple centimeters, and 80% effaced. I smiled and just nodded, nobody knows when a baby is going to come. It's like trying to predict the second coming - nobody really knows. So I really didn't take my doctor seriously.
Thursday and Friday I experience some mild cramping. I'm going to try to wrap this story up as quick as possible without sharing every detail that I really want to put in here :) I called the doctor Friday and asked if she thought I might be in labor. Of course not. Friday night I had trouble sleeping due to mild/moderate cramping. I got up Saturday morning and the cramping was sporadic but felt a little more intense. Finally around noon Trent watched me tense up as I experienced an intense cramp. He commented that we needed to go on to the hospital (It was over an hour away). He went to get in the shower as I suddenly experienced the most painful contraction yet. This was the first cramp I felt that brought tears to my eyes. I walked straight to the shower and told Trent " We need to go NOW". I knew I had plenty of time to get to the hospital but I wanted to get there early to get my epidural and make sure we dropped my son off with my sister-in-law. I called the mid-wife and told her we were on the way to the hospital and my contractions were 10 minutes apart. She then proceeded to laugh and tell me to turn around and go home that I needed to wait until the contractions were 5 minutes apart. She said even though we were over an hour away, it would be quite some time before the contractions were 5 minutes apart. My gut told me to go to the hospital. I just told her I was coming no matter what she said. Here's where things got REAL.
I went from getting in the car breathing hard with Trent doing the speed limit to screaming my head off, 0 minutes between contractions and Trent driving over 100 miles an hour to the hospital. I couldn't stop screaming, the pain was incredible and unbearable. I felt like I was going to lose consciousness (no joke). This all happen within 30 minutes. I felt the baby's head come down and my heart sank - I knew Trent was about to deliver the baby. I finally screamed to Trent that it was too late, we just weren't going to make it. This must have really scared Trent because it took us 30 minutes to drive an hour drive. With wheels screeching we made it to Northside hospital's women's center front door.
I really don't remember too much, I was literally overcome with pain. Apparently the security guards saw us tear into the parking lot to the front doors and could hear and see me screaming my head off. Some nurses on break ran to help, and all I remember is being wheeled back screaming my head off. We went straight into the room where they began to take my clothes off and I held the bed rail for dear life. The mid-wife (who told me to turn around and go home) said it was time to push and way too late for an epidural. Now - I had listened to this mid-wife and gone home....Trent would have delivered the baby at our home.
I honestly don't have much memory of all this but one thing I do recall is telling them I wouldn't push until I got an epidural. And you know what? I got an epidural 10 cm dilated and totally effaced with baby's head ready to come out. How? I demanded it. After my epidural I pushed 3 times and baby Caden was here.
I went from wanting 3-4 children to telling Trent we were done. It really was that bad. Now with this being said - words never can describe how you feel when you see your children after they're born. I was so in love with Caden and thought he was a little angel.
But the pain was like nothing I've ever experienced. It was incredible and UNBEARABLE. Just look at me. I literally went through my entire labor with no pain meds. And women actually choose to do this!!
I don't think I can handle going through this again. My mother told me she never experienced contractions that bad but when I say I thought I was about to lose consciousness, I mean it! I was absolutely humiliated that I was pushed back past all kinds of people in the lobby screaming uncontrollably. It's going to take a long time for me to forget about this day.
But here are a few pics of my little angel :)
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